This morning I read @maique ’s post on unfollowing profiles who haven’t written anything in 6 months and I realised I haven’t written that much either. Not that I feel pressured to, it’s just that the MB community shares so many things that I enjoy reading, I feel I shouldn’t be scared to share either. Whether anyone reads it or not isn’t the point, the point is sending it out and not fearing judgement or feeling there’s weakness in oversharing.

Ok, here goes: why I’ve been (mostly) silent for months. I’ll try (and probably fail) to keep my inner censure quiet, but it’s already telling me that writing about certain feelings or hardships is ridiculous because there is so much worse in the world. But no, these are mine, I’m owning them and maybe sending them out will be cathartic. Long to read, but cathartic.

A very large part of the f*cked up state I ended up in revolves around THE STORY.

• THE STORY - (A classic, clichéd kind of story)

Girl works in same cowork space as boy. Girl notices boy. Boy notices girl. Girl approaches boy. Girl and boy talk. Girl and boy exchange messages. Girl and boy don’t stop exchanging messages. Boy and girl start realising how much they have in common. Girl is married but estranged from husband and unhappy. Boy is married but estranged from wife, yet content. Boy says he’s in love with girl. Girl says she’s in love with boy. Boy says he only went through his days but didn’t live them, until he met girl. Girl finds in boy all she ever wished for in a companion.

Girl ends unhappy marriage. Boy doesn’t. Girl waits. Boy is too scared to end marriage and dismisses girl. Girl gets heartbreak #1.

Girl fights for boy and gives him time. Boy gives the story another chance. Girl waits another year. Boy feels happy being in the story, but ends the year dismissing girl again - too scared to start over, leave marriage and inlaws. Girl gets heartbreak #2.

Girl breaks down. Girl finds comfort in MB community. Girl makes friends there. Girl tries to heal, forget and unlove. Girl is unable to. Girl stupidly fights for boy again. Boy still loves girl. Boy slowly gives story another chance. Girl and boy become closer and more intimate than ever. Boy has first talk with wife to initiate change process. Talk doesn’t change much. Months go by. Girl waits. Boy talks of browsing apartments to start living alone. Girl believes boy finally gives the story a true chance and will take action. Boy doesn’t take action. Girl grows tired of waiting. Girl asks for a final decision. Boy breaks. Boy goes emotionally numb. Boy falls into depression. Boys tells girl he has no more feelings for her and their daily calls feel like an obligation. Girl gets heartbreak #3.

Boy stops talking to girl and disappears. Girl breaks. Girl incredibly and ridiculously keeps hoping. Girl can’t unlove boy. Girl never sees or hears from boy again.

• END OF STORY -

After the story, I spent a few months in a listless, mental fog mode. I lost pleasure in cooking, eating, reading , watching certain series and listening to some music because these were all pleasures shared with « boy » and every time I tried to take pleasure in them, memories would come rushing in and it would hurt badly, so I stopped trying.

I did have responsibilities and other important things in my life, so every bit of energy I could find, I put it into taking care of my son and working. (Not much left to be present on MB).

Now for the positives:

• I’ve learned to be patient and kind with myself. I’ve accepted I might never get rid of the love, and I’ve accepted « boy » probably never loved me. He was never really there for me for 3 years. He was happy to be with me for a few hours, but I guess he never truly saw me as a priority or as someone of importance in his life. Trouble is, at the time I was so busy loving him that I forgot to love myself enough to notice this. And to put down barriers. Anyway, my feelings were true. They still are. They’re still very present. I wish they’d disappear, but it is what it is.

He seems to have forgotten all about me, I don’t even know if he’ll read this. I hope he’s ok. But I don’t believe I’ll ever hear from him again.

• Lately, the mental fog has been lifting. I feel more concentrated, I feel a bit more energy. And that allowed me to have a boost at work. I have a ton of new missions, I’m learning a LOT and it’s giving me much, much pleasure (finally a bit of joy). I’m proud of myself for achieving new heights professionally, I finally feel confident in my work and I feel there are good things coming.

• My son B is autistic. We found out over a year ago. Over last year, he has had important progress in language, social interaction and other skills. We struggle financially because we put him in an expensive school (pre-diagnosis) and now can’t pay as much therapy as he needs. Government provides help, but at his age (4) there is a big waiting list as too much demand. So we had to find private alternatives, luckily advised by my sister who works in a specialised center. We were summoned to his school by his teacher and school psychologist last week, who “politely” told us they don’t have the resources to take care of him without a therapist there daily, so if we couldn’t afford that, maybe we should consider a public school. In short, “pay for more support or please leave”. So new mission is finding a new school. Public ones will keep us in waiting list for who knows how long, standard private schools we visited use the same polite “we just can’t find the resources for an autistic child” tone and the inclusive ones are all full as they’re the only resort for children with special needs.

And there it is. All here. This is why I’ve been absent. There’s just too much heavy stuff going on, too little time or energy to spare.

But please know, when I do manage to resurface and read posts or interact with you all, it is a balm to the soul. So thank you beautiful Micro.blog community, you’re all superstars.